🌵 Cactus or Orchid? 🌸

Friendships are like plants - the secret is knowing which ones belong in your garden

I celebrated a big birthday recently (21 again, obviously) and as I looked out at a room packed with friends I have known and loved for many decades, I felt ridiculously lucky.

Many had flown over to Spain for less than 48 hours, just to be with me on my special day. Which is friendship. Or madness. Possibly both. And as I looked around at their wonderfully familiar, smiling and slightly sunburnt faces, I realised something important…

They all had one thing in common.

They were Cactus Friends. 🌵

Now, before you imagine a room full of spiky people refusing hugs and barking “Hands off! That jug of Sangria is mine”- allow me to explain.

Obsessed with all things gardening, I find friends generally fall into two main groups: Orchids and Cacti - two very different beasts indeed.

Orchids are stunning. Beautiful. Glamorous. Fun. Instagram-ready. But also… dramatic. They require constant attention, lot of light, specific water, emotional reassurance and probably a carefully curated daily-changing Spotify playlist. Miss one instruction and they collapse in a heap, their petals strewn everywhere.

I once moved an Orchid two inches to the left, and it responded by dying immediately. Just to prove a point.

Cacti, on the other hand, are the strong, silent types. Give them a splash of water once in a while, and they just get on with things.

Sturdy. Steady. Gloriously low maintenance.

Likewise, Cactus Friends are generally straight-talking, independent souls who shine without needing to dazzle. They don’t compete. They never play games. There is not an insecure friendship bone in their bodies.

If you disappear for a while and surface with, “Sorry, I’ve been swamped”, they simply say: “No worries. Wine?”

But when you really need them? They are there. No questions. No conditions. No emotional invoice. And, crucially, they always have your back. Just as you always have theirs.

When Cactus Friends meet up, they bloom together effortlessly. Conversation flows. Laughter comes easily. You leave nourished, not drained.

Orchid Friends, on the other hand, are hard work, which probably explains why their friendship group has the rapid turnover rate of a reality TV cast.

They sweep into your life in a cloud of intensity -“I’ve never felt this close to anyone!” - roughly three weeks after learning your surname. Which at first feels flattering - until you realise they have somehow wound themselves vine-like around your entire existence. Like Orchids, they need a lot of attention, and being the kind, big-hearted soul you are, you do what you always do: you listen, you reassure, you show up with tissues, snacks, and the verbal equivalent of a weighted blanket.

Over time, though, something begins to feel off.

Their continual stories of woe about how others (mis)treat them seem to be carefully designed to keep you close and elicit sympathy - and arrive in box sets rather than episodes. Almost every conversation ends with you saying, “Oh no, you poor thing,” while your tea goes cold and your to-do list files a missing persons report. Gradually, though, their tales begin to follow too-familiar patterns, repeating themselves until they lose all weight and feel strangely hollow.

So, you take a step back.

But, when an Orchid Friend begins to sense distance - their emotional influence over you weakening, or, even worse, questions raised about their behaviour - their response can feel sudden and deeply unsettling. Rather than pausing to reflect, they perceive their carefully curated public persona is under threat, and so the games begin.

A full-blown Orchid Personal PR tour is rolled out - sometimes featuring a special guest appearance from what Psychologists call DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) - which sounds less like a behavioural pattern and more like a minor Star Wars character with exceptional cheekbones - but is a go-to strategy used to avoid accountability, while seeking to portray themselves in any given situation as the wronged party, the victim. But at the end of the day, their games are invariably seen through, which explains why an Orchid’s friendship circle is forever changing.

It is a rather sad sight to witness, and most Cactus folk watch on with a mixture of sympathy, bewilderment and genuine anthropological curiosity.

Eventually, feeling weary rather than angry, you make a gentle, dignified exit. You find your way back to the easy, restorative joy of your long-standing tribe of Cactus Friends - who welcome you with open arms. And a jug of Sangria.🍷

Key Takeaway

Long-lasting, low-stress, nurturing friendships are viewed as a reliable predictor of a long, healthy and satisfying life.

So, my advice is simple: tend your friendship garden with kindness - but also with awareness. Some friendships grow alongside us for decades - while others arrive for a season or two. And that’s ok. Allowing that ebb and flow, and letting some relationships gently rest or loosen, isn’t failure; it’s simply part of life. 🌿🌿🌿